Welcome to the Roam'n Church
Another Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Enlightenment
Welcome to the Roam'n Church
Another Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Enlightenment
| The BAPTISTS cried: "Where's the water?" |
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves: There was not a fire |
The ATHEISTS chided: Fire's not real. |
The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted: "Every one for her/himself...." | The CREATIONISTS: Debated on which day God invented fire |
The EPISCOPALIANS: formed a procession and marched out |
The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted: "It's the vengeance of God!" |
The HARE KRISHNAS: Pretended they were fire fighters and sold defective fire extinguishers. |
The JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: Passed out literature about the fire |
The JEWS: posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would pass |
The LUTHERANS: posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil, |
The METHODISTS: gathered in the corner and prayed |
The MORMONS: ran late-night T.V. commercials offering free videos of the fire |
The NEW AGERS: got out crystals and decided the earth was going to shift polarity and proceeded to move to Sedona, Arizona. |
The PENTACOSTALS: rebuked and bound the fire "In JEEEEsus' name! |
The PRESBYTERIANS: appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to the voting assembly. |
The QUAKERS: quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings, |
The ROMAN CATHOLICS: passed a collection plate |
The SCIENTOLOGISTS: charged admission to the fire. |
The MCCers: Were glad to see other flaming religious people |
|---|
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!!!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that
they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his
life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.
The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."
Matt "BUKA" Regan forwarded along this item from the Marin County, Calif., Pacific Sun:
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut
training on the Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate.
He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he
gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
Thanks Demitri!
Grogg: Prehistoric Answer Man With Neaderthal Perspectives.
Its a bird! Its a plane! No... Its Avacadoboy, the gay super hero!
Pat's Shrine to Weirdness
Pirate Pete's Pick of the WWW
You Might be a REDNECK if... you click this rainbow ball!
Are You Being Served? (I'm freeee Mr. Humphries!)
Fawlty Towers
And now for something completely different...
And now for something else completely different (Hey! isn't that the same thing?)...
The Assman Cometh! Holy Kramer!
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree,
Discussing things as they're said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two,
There's a certain rumour that can't be true -
That man descended from our noble race,
The very idea is a disgrace.
No monkey ever deserted his wife,
starved the kids and ruined her life,
And whoever heard of a mother monk,
Leaving her kids with others to bunk;
Or passing them off from one to the other.
Till they scarcely know who was their mother.
Another thing that you never will see,
Is a monk build a fence around a coconut tree,
Forbidding all other monks to taste;
Letting the coconuts go to waste.
Why? If I built a fence around my coconut tree
Starvation would force you to steal from me.
Another thing that a monk wont do,
Is get out at night and go on a stew,
And use a gun, or club, or knife
To take another monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the "so and so" cuss,
But brother, he didn't descend from us!"
Anon
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 29
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. you need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting few people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you SURE COULD USE SOME MORE MONEY! Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back?" (10 seconds)
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" start to sniffle and say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, "my sciatica is acting up," "my dog just died," describe your recent surgery... Continue talking about your problems over their sales pitch. (4 minutes)
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located, how do you spell that... (5 minutes)
4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!!" (Assuming her name is Judy,) "Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. (1 minute)
5. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. (3 seconds if they know the Federal "3-No's" law, 2 minutes otherwise)
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I
don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" (15 seconds)
7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" (8 seconds)
8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get back to the sales, just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. (6 minutes)
9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!!
Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer:
"Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's
business/the weather?" (2 minutes)
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! I know HOW YOU FEEL!" (smiling, of course...) (1 minute)
11. When they ask for a specific person, get choked up, then tell them he/she just died and hang up sobbing. (12 seconds)
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Who are "they" anyway?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge-bra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
The patient refused an autopsy.
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed:
"The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means: 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
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Go to: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Enlightenment
Please note: As it is almost impossible to accurately credit a joke's creator, I do not usually try. Some of the jokes contained here are my creation, most have been collected from the Net and non-virtual reality (remember that? Its called "real life" *smile*). If something in this section is your creation and you want credit for it, please let me know. Thanks.