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Real Kids Talk About God
In Sunday school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation?
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident.
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don't you just keep the ones you got now?
Who draws the lines around the countries?
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
What does it mean you are a jealous God. I thought you had everything.
Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother.
Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
But I am not going to tell you who I am
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
Please send me a pony
I never ask for anything before you can look it up
If you give me genie lamp like Alladin I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms.
It works with my brother.
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions
I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Of all the people who work for you I like Peter and John the best.
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it.
So I bet he stoled your idea.
I do not think anybody could be a better God.
Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God.
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool.
I don't ever feel alone since I found out about you.
It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world. These student bloopers are all genuine, authentic and unretouched:
"In the first book of the Bible, Guinnessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he
took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."
"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history, they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the ax of the apostles."
"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Amendment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Amendment is humor they father and mother.
The Seventh Amendment is thou shalt not admit adultry."
"Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."
"David was the Hebrew King, skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Findelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had three wives and 700 porcupines."
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born becuase Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head."
"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to other
before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibals.
The epistles were the wives of the decibels.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan."
"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which
is another name for marraige.
A Christian should have only one wife, this is called monotony."
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. Since He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your parent's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven.
So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important, of course.
You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God."
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?” The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?” Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”
“Oh, no!” the little girl replied. “Jesus is my heart. Barney’s on my underpants.”
"Therefore, laying aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and all evil speaking, as newborn babies, desire the pure milk of the Word, that you may grow thereby." 1 Peter 2:1-2
At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who then is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said,
"Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted & become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child in My name receives Me."Matthew 18:1-5
Go to: the Roam'n Church Presents: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Enlightenment.
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