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Welcome to the Roam'n Church:


SHIT: The Inside Scoop!

!WARNING!

This page is not for piously squeamish!
You can look at it metaphorically
You can look at it adolecently
But you can't look at it without laughing!

World Religion In A Nutshell


The Meaning of Shit


Offered with love and respect for the world religions and their practitioners.
Agnostics:
What is this Shit?
Agnostics:
It looks and smells like shit,
but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
Agnostics:
What shit? I dont see any shit.
Agnostics:
I don't know shit!
Agnostics:
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
Agnostics:
You can't prove any of this shit!
Anglicans:
Let us ponder this Shit
Atheists:
I don't believe this Shit
Atheists:
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
Atheists:
No shit!
Atheists:
It looks and smells like shit,
so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.
Atheists:
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But religion is shit.
Baptists:
So you think your in deep Shit now?
Baptists:
You are shitting all wrong,
and you'll be punished for it. We'll wash the shit right off you.
Baptists:
The only shit in Heaven is our shit!
Baptists:
Shit will happen.
Praise the Lord for it!
Baptists:
Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen
and if it doesn't happen we will make it happen by the vote!
Benedictins:
This Shit is elegant
Buddhists:
If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Buddhists:
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Buddhists:
WAKE UP!
You're sleeping in shit!
Buddhists:
Only one who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.
Calvinism:
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Carthusians:
We must pray about Shit alone
Catholics:
If Shit happens you deserve it
Catholics:
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
Charismatic Catholics:
Shit is happening because you deserve it,
but we love you anyway.
Christian Science:
When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Christian Science:
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Christian Science:
Our shit will take care of itself.
Christian Science:
Shit only happens in your mind.
Cistercians:
This Shit must be the common will for us
Confucians:
Confucius say: Shit happens
Confucians:
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
Conservative Judaism:
Why does shit always happen to US?
Consumerism:
Got Shit?
Creationism:
... And the Lord said "Let there be shit"
... and there came piles of it.
and after six days of this shit, the Lord was relieved.
Darwinism:
Survival of the shittiest.
Darwinism:
This shit was once food.
Episcopalianism:
If shit happens, hold a procession.
Episcopalianism:
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Energizer Bunny:
Shit keeps happening and happening and happening ...
(Sorry, couldn't resist!)
Fundamentalists:
If your not one of us Shit will happen to you
Hare Krishnas:
Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Dong.
Hare Krishnas:
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you fully surrender to the shit)
Hare Krishnas:
Please take this flower and buy our shit.
Hindus:
This Shit Happened before
Hindus:
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
Hindus:
This shit happening IS you.
Islam:
We don't take any shit.
Islam (Sunni):
If it happens to be shit,
it's Allah's will and you'd better submit!
Islam (Shi'ite):
WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
Islam (Shi'ite):
If shit happens, take a hostage.
Islam (Nation of Islam:):
We don't take no shit!
Just kidding... friends?
Jehovah's Witnesses:
Let me in & I'll tell you why Shit happens
Jehovah's Witnesses:
No big shit happens until Armaggedon.
Jehovah's Witnesses:
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Jehovah's Witnesses:
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens..."
Jehovah's Witnesses:
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Jehovah's Witnesses:
Shit happens door to door.
Jehovah's Witnesses:
Open the door and I'll show you what shit is
Jehovah's Witnesses:
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
Judaism:
Why does Shit always happen to us?
Judaism (Reform):
Got any laxatives?
Judaism (Reform):
Shit happens to whom it may concern.
Judaism (Orthodox):
So shit happens, already!
Lutheranism:
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Lutheranism:
Have faith that shit will happen.
Lutheranism:
If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Methodist:
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Methodist (United):
Sure shit happens,
But we're liberal about it, Shit's for everyone
Nihilism:
no shit!
M.C.C.er's:
Shit happens to Gay people too
Mormons:
Our Shit was made in the USA
Mormons:
If shit happens, shun it.
Mormons:
Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
Mormons:
Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
Mormons:
God sent us this shit in New York,
We carried it to Utah.
New Age:
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
New Age:
A firm shit does not happen to me.
New Age:
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
New Age:
I create my own shit.
New Age:
I love angel shit!
New Age:
My shit was Shirley Maclain in it's last life
New Age:
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
New Age:
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
New Age:
Were all part of the same shit.
New Age:
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
New Age:
I have no dog-matic shit, Damn it!
Presbyterians:
Shit is inevitable
Presbyterians:
This shit was bound to happen.
Protestants:
Let Shit happen to someone else
Protestants:
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Quakers:
Let us not fight over this shit.
Rastafarianism:
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
Secular Humanism:
Shit evolves.
Seventh Day Adventists:
Shit's better on Saturdays
Seventh Day Adventists:
Shit only counts on Saturdays
Taoists:
Shit happens
Taoists:
The shit that can be shat is not the eternal shit.
Taoists:
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Universalists:
Shit happens to everyone
Vedantists:
Om-shit-om-shit
Wiccans:
Blessed Be this Pagan Shit
Wiccans:
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
Wiccans:
The Goddess makes shit happen.
Wiccans:
An it harm none, let shit happen.
Zoroastrians:
This world is equally divided between Shit & no Shit
Zen:
What is the sound of shit happening?


If you can add to this list, PLEASE DO! Drop me a line via e-mail or in my guest book!




Ode to SHIT!

Shit is a powerful word.

Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider:
You can be shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die!
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit, or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola!
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit, [shit that grows on rocks! tough shit, sissy shit, even shit with chicken pocks].
You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit marbles or shit your guts out.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, keep shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
There is funny shit, and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit, or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times you can't find shit at all. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit and a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle! You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit, or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.
There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Some people don't take no shit while others are full of shit. Some jobs aren't worth shit, some jobs are shit and sometimes it is a job just to shit!
You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes, everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

SHIT!
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP! Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!


Its hard to grow up!

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then told them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana.The teacher said: No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grownup word. The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said: No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word. Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied: Winnie the Shit.

The shit's is really flying here at the Roam'n Church! LOL


The Nursing Home


Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."


Don't lite farts!

Om Tat Sat

Maranatha, the Christ is among us!

Namaste!

Go to: the Roam'n Church Presents: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Enlightenment

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Please note: As it is almost impossible to accurately credit a joke's creator, I do not usually try. Some of the jokes contained here are my creation, most have been collected from the Net and non-virtual reality (remember that? Its called "real life" *smile*). If something in this section is your creation and you want credit for it, please let me know. Thanks.


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